The Short-Short Book Review

Read This: Tarzan of the Apes – Edgar Rice Burroughs

Why?

Hello? The original Superman? The ultimate hotness? Tragedy? Betrayal? Plus, the movies absurdly did not do Tarzan any justice! Just read the book and you’ll know what I mean. (P.S. Do not read the sequels.)

Read This: Frankenstein – Mary Shelley

Why?

For the same reason as above! No, the monster was not hot, however, the movies did not do Frankenstein any justice! The monster, an intellectual being who was clearly misunderstood due to his grotesque physique, therefore exacting revenge on the stupidity of human beings; meanwhile Frankenstein, the jackass, takes revenge against his creation because the monster is just too damn ugly. How rude!

Read This: She – H. Rider Haggard

Why?

Mysterious relics? Seeking a long lost God-like (Goddess-like?) creature? Mythology? Adventure? Avengers? Revenge? Grecian hotness? A scorned wife who seeks revenge upon the murder of her husband by an immortal woman, the said immortal woman fell in love with this husband, but could not have him, thus killed him! The scorned wife, then passed on a message to her descendants to seek revenge against this immortal woman; hence 2,000 years later, enter Leo Vincey. Leo Vincey and his adopted father Horace Holly journeys on an adventure to seek the truth about this woman, only to discover… the immortal woman believes Vincey to be the dead husband who returned from the afterlife! Again, the movies did not encompass the compelling story of the book!

Are we seeing a pattern here?

Filed under: Boob Tube, Books, Films, Humor, Books, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Frankenstein, H Rider Haggard, Mary Shelley, She, Tarzan

What are…Transformers?

In a morning discussion yesterday, I was talking about my Film Studies Professor and his obsessive behavior and his angst against Closed-Captions. I’m not going to bore the rest of the world of this humdrum “Closed-Captions” fiasco – which wasted one-hour of our student lives – however, it did spark a funny conversation in the office.

Later in the afternoon, my co-workers (Toni and Sara) were listening to me talk about my classes – yet, again, and it had nothing to do with the Film Studies Professor, until…

“Is your Film Studies Professor hot?” Sara asked.

“WHAT? Did you just ask what I think you did…?” A baffled and confused Toni asked.

I laughed, “Yes, she asked if my Film Studies Professor is hot. She has a one-tracked mind.”

“I don’t know. He sounds hot from what I’ve heard so far!” Sara said, which I found to be funny. A Film Studies Professor who has a hatred for “Closed Captioning” and his compulsion to expel such a travesty from the school’s expensive meager projector, meanwhile wasting an hour doing this (long story), is considered…hot.

“WHAT?” Toni exclaimed.

“I…guess…” I said as I tried to recollect what he looked like. “I mean, from a distance he looked like he could be cute, but up close I didn’t find him as attractive…”

“Oh, so he’s a transformer.” Sara said disappointingly.

“A what?” Toni laughed. She says “what” a lot, apparently.

“A transformer.” I laughed.

“A transformer is someone who looks hot from a distance…” Sara said.

“But not as attractive up-close.” I added.

Toni shook her head and laughed.

“I don’t know. He’s not bad looking. He’s not my type, but I’m sure…many women find him attractive. Like, you might find him attractive.” I finally said. I hope she doesn’t try to get me to sneak a picture of him during one of my classes.

Filed under: Humor, Office

Featuring a New Segment of: Dear Krapfen Wichser,

Dear Krapfen Wichser,

Why are some married couples so insensitive? I am in my thirties and I don’t believe in marriage; however, every time I attend weddings random married couples feel the need to ask, “So when are you two going to get married?” Which causes awkwardness for my beau. I, on the other hand, become offended, because I don’t believe in marriage – it doesn’t define me. I don’t think it is the appropriate question to ask at wedding, ever.

Also, I have a friend who is married, but she does not have children, nor is she planning on having children. However, married couples at weddings ask her when they are going to have children, as if having children suddenly makes them all superior. Don’t they know not everyone wants children, or maybe they can’t have children and the don’t want to discuss something so personal with them?

We just never know how to respond or what we should say to put them in their place…

Sincerely, Anti-Married Couples at Weddings

Dear Anti-Married Couples at Weddings,

I understand your pain. That is why I came up with some foolproof comebacks that you should try out the next time these insensitive couples ask that silly question at weddings.

“So, when are you two going to get married?”
- Your response? “So, when are you two getting a divorce? I read the divorce rate is super-duper high in our generation!”

“So, when are you two going to get married?”
- Your response? “Oh, we’re not going to get married until we’re 80 and sleeping in separate beds. By then, there wouldn’t be a point in getting a divorce!”

“So, when are you two going to get married?”
- Your response? “Wait, is this your first marriage or second?”
- Theirs? “First… why?”
- Yours? “GOOD LUCK!”
(If it is their second marriage, repeat number 2 response.)

As for your friend, I’ve also devised some responses to her situation as well:

“So, when are you two going to have children?”
- Her response? “When you shut the hell up.”

“So, when are you two going to have children?”
- Her response? “I just don’t want ugly children, like yours”

“So, when are you going to have children?”
- Her response? “Your children are the reason why I believe in abortion.”

“So, when are you going to have children?”
- Her response? “Right now. We’re going to do it right now. On this dinner table.”

It’s not mean, per se, but seeing that these married people with/without children feel the need to bring these types of topics up at weddings (of all places), seems pretty insensitive. So there you have it!

Sincerely,

Krapfen Wichser

Filed under: Dear Krapfen Wichser, Humor